


Every damn time

by NyakoChan



Category: Oxenfree
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Memory Alteration, One-Sided Attraction, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 11:03:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12364329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NyakoChan/pseuds/NyakoChan
Summary: Sometimes he remembers they're in a time loop, and sometimes he can recognize the constants and variables in each loop. Mostly he just hates that Ren is so consistently the center of everything for him.





	Every damn time

Sometimes Jonas can remember bits and pieces of what’s already happened and what will happen again. Sometimes he remembers the words that were said before and the words that will be said later. It’s always very foggy and he’s never sure if it’s a real memory from another loop, or just his brain making things up. 9 out of 10 times it’s a real memory, and even if he isn’t completely sure, he can feel it in his gut. 

Jonas isn’t sure how much the others can remember every time they go through the loop. He knows Alex can always remember more than he can, because she’s usually the one that triggers his own memories. Sometimes he goes through loops absolutely unaware. He’s not sure if he likes that better because isn’t ignorance supposed to be blissful or whatever? Is it scarier to not know what’s coming next, or to know that there’s nothing any of them can do to stop whatever happens to them next?

It’s nearly one in the goddamn morning and Jonas has just watched Ren go all red-eyed possessed for like, probably the twentieth time that he can remember and roughy estimate. Knowing how this stupid story plays out, it’s probably a way higher number than just twenty-something. He doesn’t remember what happens when he gets possessed, and never really recalls anything a few minutes before. His body remembers the feeling of something tainted, something malevolent and thick and ice cold, sluggishly forcing itself into his head, filling his limbs like an empty balloon. He doesn’t remember what “he” says or does, and as the night drags on and he feels worse and worse, he can’t tell an oncoming attack from what seems to be a constant state of being (or a permanent one?)

Out of the loops that he did remember, Jonas could spot some of the constants and variables if he thought about it long enough. Like, it was always the same damn island and the same damn ghosts and the same damn question. Jonas once answered them that, no, leave was not fuckin’ possible because clearly none of them could figure it out. They didn’t like that and since then, whenever that was, Jonas always had this really weird instinct in the back of his head not to do it again. Variables consisted of different answers, different choices, and sometimes Alex was a little more cooperative with the ghosts and their dumb quizzes. Sometimes he would see different loops within a loop and he’d see double for a minute. There were probably a dozen more insignificant variables in there, but one thing Jonas had, much to his annoyance, always noticed in the timeloops that he was self-aware enough, was always his dumb puppy dog crush on Ren. He didn’t even know why it was such a consistent thing, but it was always after they stepped off the boat that he would start to think that maybe, just maybe, he was kinda cute. He was funny and his endless chatter made him sort of endearing. Then he would start rambling about the girl Nona, that he had the hots for and Jonas would feel his hopes crumble a little when he realized it was going to be yet another one-sided crush on a guy that was probably straight. Actually, with Ren he wasn’t so sure about the last detail but it was all the same at the end of the day.

It would be later on in the night (or early morning), if Jonas just so happened to realize their whole looping predicament and also just so happened to be aware enough to realize it wasn’t the first time they had looped, that he would smack himself for having yet another crush on Ren. He knew they bickered over stupid stuff and there was something about Ren that just really dug under his skin (possibly because they’d already done this argument and many others before.) Jonas was quicker to anger when he remembered these things but he tried not to be because it still ended the same way. Jonas would get fired up and start popping off at Ren and then Ren would get irritated and start pointing fingers at Jonas, which fueled the whole cycle of it between them. 

But then there were some loops, the really scary and horrible ones where some of them died or were killed off. Sometimes they would see different loops within a loop, where different realities or versions of them had died, and in the moment it was hard to know if it was their current reality it was happening to, or a past or a future one. Jonas knew for a fact that the others definitely saw these too, because he remembered Nona freaking out on them a few times and saying she’d already seen them. There was always this horrible, panicky sensation that was dredged up whenever they came near a spot that one of them had died. Even if they didn’t know why they were suddenly filled with terror and dread, they knew there was something wrong about that area (and really the whole damn island was wrong.)

He and Alex were walking around the island looking for a way to get to Clarissa, tromping through the woods area and bemoaning their poor luck on such a horrible night. Despite the countless times they had been around the island, they still got lost. Alex had once speculated that it had something to do with how disorientating the island was. Jonas had to keep his eyes straight ahead and not look too deeply into the creepy dark shadows that surrounded the trees because he was pretty sure something would stare right back at him. His mind wandered back to Ren, who was most definitely on his way to see Nona, his own personal damsel in distress. If you asked Jonas, Ren was more the damsel in distress than Nona. 

Jonas trailed beside Alex as they walked, and then he blinked and it was like she was a few feet in front of him. Jonas stopped abruptly and looked around, wondering what had just happened. Had he gotten possessed just now? Probably not if Alex wasn’t freaking out over him. Maybe his body was shutting down because he was too tired to deal with any of this haunted island thing. His scalp was tingling and his joints all felt sluggish and heavy, and sometimes his vision was blurring a little. Jonas tried to just attribute it all to exhaustion because none of them were handling this very well and the timelooping had done a number on their physical and mental states. 

Just as Jonas was about to catch back up with Alex he felt his knees go weak and his legs give out from under him. Jonas dropped to one knee and urged his stupid body to keep moving. Alex turned around as he was picking himself back up, concern drawn all across her face.

“You doing okay?” she asked, eyes flicking over him to make sure he wasn’t injured. “You tired? Want a quick break?” 

“Um, I’m okay, but yeah, sure. We can take a quick break.” Alex looked like she needed it more than he did, honestly. Jonas couldn’t imagine what it was like to remember most of their timeloops. 

Alex returned to his side and the two sat down in the middle of the pathway, looking up at the night sky. He didn’t see any weird triangles floating around them so he hopes this is something positive. 

“How are you doing?” he asked Alex, glancing at her and noticing the dark circles under her eyes and the way her eyelids seemed to sag in deep exhaustion. “I mean, I know this isn’t like, good or anything, but uh, just want to make sure you’re still good to keep going?”

Alex took in a deep breath of the warm night air, holding it for a moment before she let it go slowly, like she’s decompressing from the inside out. 

“Well as we can be, I guess,” she responded, letting some of the tension drain from her shoulders. “I mean, we could definitely be worse off?” Ever the optimist, Alex.

“Well, sure, but we could always be much better,” Jonas quipped, rolling his eyes and sitting back. His legs were still kind of numb and it was starting to irritate him more than worry him.

“Sure. And how about you? Still um, still going strong?”

“Err, not… not really? My legs just kinda crapped out on me a second ago. I think it’ll pass, but still…”

“Oh, are you dizzy? Or like, do you need water? Ren might have a water bottle in his backpack when we get back to Harden Tower.” Alex’s worry practically emanated off of her like an aura. This whole sisterly-familial-attention wouldn’t have been so bad if they’d ever gotten to live like a real family.

Jonas thought about her question. Yeah he probably needed water, and while he wasn’t too dizzy, it felt more like his head was just stuffed full of cotton. His legs were tingling but they didn’t hurt, though he wasn’t keen to try standing up just yet if they were just going to give out again. Worse would be that Alex would see him do it. 

“Physically, I think I’ll manage. But I dunno, I think maybe my body remembers like, something about this place? Just now, I mean.” Which could really mean to a lot of different things. One thing did cross his mind just after he blanked out, and he had a running theory that even he and Alex had to have died a few times at some point. His best guess was that his body (or one of his bodies in another reality?) had died around here, and as a result he had lost that time or his body didn’t process it. It was all just a running theory. He wasn’t any kind of expert on these ghosts or this island. 

“Oh, um, that’s kinda scary,” Alex comments, not quite sure where to take the conversation after. “If it gets worse, you should tell me. I mean, I can’t like, fix it or anything, but we can have a sit-down if you need.” 

Jonas nodded in agreement. “Sure, you too, then.” Jonas steeled himself to stand and possibly fall again, but he picked himself up without any hitches. Whatever the feeling was had mostly passed. “Let’s go get Clarissa, then?” He helped Alex up and the two set off again. He didn’t know what was going to happen next. It was too foggy. But he trusted Alex to get them through this next part. 

Xxx

He was puking his guts out against the wall of the chalkboard, smearing the demonic little handprints and the hangman stick figure. Alex was behind him, awkwardly patting his back as his body trembled and he retched again. According to Alex, he had just been possessed again. According to how his body felt, he had also just been dropped from a decent height, like a puppet with its strings cut. The resemblance was uncanny. 

“I’m fine,” he coughed out, spitting on the ground to rid himself of the congealed saliva and chunks of dinner that escaped him.

“No, you aren’t. Just take it easy for a second. You’ve just been through an ordeal.” Jonas was glad he didn’t remember this part. He would have definitely dreaded it the entire way coming to find Clarissa. 

The trembling gradually stopped and his insides weren’t revolting against him anymore. Jonas spit again, then heaved himself off the wall and away from his puddle of sick. 

“Let’s just go find Clarissa and get back to the Tower,” Jonas said, hoping his voice sounded stronger than he felt. Is this what Ren felt like, after he’d been possessed over by the bridge? Jonas had no idea how he managed to scamper off to the Tower like an eager puppy if this is what it felt like after being possessed; had to give him credit for pulling off energy like that. 

Thoughts of Ren being possessed again made Jonas’s stomach clench. He’d practically been like a ragdoll when those things had control of him. His body seized and his eyes, filled with a burning red light, gazed off into the distance, not really seeing them. Is that what Jonas had looked like just now? Had he looked that… that frail and defenseless? At the time of Ren’s “episode” Jonas had mostly been concerned with the fact that, holy shit, they could get possessed! And Alex was upset that it was her best friend that was being used as a puppet so that had also been pretty concerning. But now, now that Jonas had felt it, felt the way it left his limbs weak and heavy, how his insides churned with disgust and a piercing cold filled his guts, he was more worried than he’d like to admit to himself that Ren wouldn’t be strong enough to survive a few more possessions. Truth be told, Jonas wasn’t even sure how many more he could handle.

Xxx

Jonas shut the comm tower door a little harder than he’d meant to, storming over to the railing and looking out over the side. He was so high up, but all he could see around them was the damn island. It’s like they were trapped on a completely different dimension than the rest of the world and the only thing that existed with them now was this freakin’ scary island and each other. 

They were bickering at the top of Harden Tower. They were saying the same damn words over and over again, they had already argued over the same stupid thing. Jonas felt his anger rolling through his body, feeling a rush of adrenaline spike at the idea of wanting to beat Ren at everything they were fighting about or would fight about. He wanted to win and prove he could, but he only needed Ren to realize he had won. 

Below him he could just barely hear Nona and Alex chatting amicably, and Jonas was fiercely jealous that Alex had picked her over him. The only good thing about Alex not picking him was that she also didn’t pick Ren. However, they were now stuck with each other for however long it might take for Alex to come back. 

Ren could be heard ranting inside of the little comm tower room, fuming to himself and cursing everything about this island and this trip. Jonas tuned him out and tried to settle his racing pulse. Things had gotten a more little heated than expected in there between them, but Jonas felt more in the right, here. Ren using brownies like they might help him escape from this place? Like it would even help them in the slightest? He was absolutely crazy and Jonas wasn’t sure how he could even get a crush on him every single time. Right now he was pretty sure he was feeling the furthest thing from attraction, and he had a feeling the night would only get worse. 

Jonas dug through his coat pocket for his smokes and lighter. He lit up with practiced ease despite the slight tremble in his hands. Christ alive, Ren was so infuriating. First he dragged them on this trip, then he made Alex tap into the ghost channel, and then he thought it was fine to get high off his ass and give them half-cooked, harebrained ideas. 

He leaned against the railing, resting his weight on against the metal bar and taking in a long, slow drag from his cigarette. When he blew the smoke out he imagined himself like a dragon, letting all the heat and anger out of his body. He just needed to calm down before he punched Ren in the head or something. Crush or no crush, Ren was still horribly selfish and- and so stupid. Jonas was glad that Nona wasn’t left alone with him, where he would whine and complain until she pitied him enough to promise him a date. Sure, it meant Jonas was stuck with him at the top of a tower, but most importantly, Ren wasn’t with Nona. Jonas wished he didn’t get so much malicious joy from it. 

One cigarette turned into three before Jonas decided he was calmed enough. He didn’t turn back around though. He was afraid that one look at Ren would make his temper flare up. He didn’t want to feel so conflicted when he was fired up, whether or not he wanted to punch Ren in the mouth or kiss him. It was too confusing and frustrating and Jonas hated that he was still thinking about this. Ren would hook up with Nona and they would be happy and Jonas would go back to pretending he wasn’t interested in dating in general. 

And then a thought crossed his mind. If they made it off the island _(when, Jonas, when!)_ would him and Ren even see each other again? Well, the short answer was yes, because he was still Alex’s best friend. The long answer was, not if he could avoid it. Even if Ren still came over for holidays or whatever it was that they did, Jonas didn’t have to stay at home with them if he didn’t want. He didn’t have to stick around and wait for the wedding invitation that he probably wouldn’t receive but would be invited through Alex anyway. 

Jonas snubbed the end of his third cigarette into the metal rail, angrily flicking it off the edge and waiting to see if Alex was on her way back. He didn’t remember a ton of whatever happened next, but he didn’t think it was something good. There was a sense of dread bubbling up in his stomach and he didn’t know why, but it made him nervous. He just wanted to get this over with and maybe never see Ren again. 

Xxx

It was happening again. It was happening and it was dredging up some of his older memories. He’d seen things like this before. Sometimes it was Nona. Sometimes it was Alex. He’s pretty sure he’s seen it with Clarissa. They had just watched Ren fall headfirst into the rocks below the bridge. His body made a similar crunching, cracking sound that Clarissa’s had made not too long ago outside the barracks. 

“He-he fell,” Nona hiccuped, curled up in a ball and sobbing. 

“Nona, what happened?” Alex demanded, stepping closer to the girl barely holding her sanity together. 

Jonas blinked and suddenly Ren was laid out on the ground, drenched and unmoving. Nona was still sobbing.

“He drowned,” Nona cried, holding his head in her lap and the water soaked through her leggings. Jonas felt his breath catch and he made to reach out and grab ahold of Ren, to shake him awake and tell him to stop playing around.

“He just… stopped moving,” Nona’s voice cracked, looking at Jonas and Alex with red rimmed eyes. Jonas found himself standing beside Alex again, as though they had just walked up to the scene of the crime for the first time.

“Nona, please, what’s happening?” Jonas asked desperately, wanting the visions to stop. Was Ren dead in this loop? Was this what was happening in other loops? Nona wasn’t supposed to be here right now, this couldn’t be her. Were the ghosts screwing with their heads?

“Ren, come on, wake up!” Alex was calling out, “Nona, Nona don’t worry, it’s not your fault. It’s-it’s the looping. He’s-he’s gonna be fine.” She was doing her best to convince all of them, and Jonas wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe that there was one more loop they could go through, if only to make sure Ren stayed alive.

“She fell and I couldn’t pull her up,” Ren’s voice cut through Jonas’s thoughts. Ren was stood before them this time, covered in dirt and bruises. His arm was scraped up and bleeding and he was scrubbing at his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Ren!” Jonas breathed in momentary disbelief. 

“Nona!” Alex was crouched down to look at Nona’s limp form. Her head was bleeding and one of her legs was bent the wrong way. 

And Jonas blinked once more and neither Ren nor Nona were there. It was just him and Alex staring wide eyed at the space that the two had definitely occupied a moment ago.

“I think I’m going crazy,” Jonas distantly heard himself mutter, and Alex gave a sound of agreement. It wasn’t the first and it wasn’t the last time he had seen Ren die, would see Ren die. Jonas decided, like he had decided every single loop whether he remembered it or not, that he would do his damnedest to end the timelooping to stop from seeing all these horrific things. Even if it meant Ren wouldn’t talk to him afterwards, he wanted to do whatever it took to get them all out of this, _alive,_ he hoped.

Xxx

He chuckled mirthlessly at the back of his throat. The corners of his lips were upturned into a cocky sneer. His eyes, illuminated red like flares, looked past him. He stepped closer, slowly, like daring his prey to make a run for it. 

Ren stepped backwards for every step that “Jonas” took forwards. The ghosts didn’t need to smell his fear to know he was scared shitless. How many times had he seen the wrong Jonas, the wrong Nona and Alex tonight? What the hell was going on here? Alex and Jonas were on their way and they were going to help him. They had just called him from the radio tower, his own radio set had only just died, they couldn’t be here yet! This wasn’t really Jonas, he tried to convince himself. He didn’t know what it was but it wasn’t Jonas. 

“Jonas, d-don’t do this,” Ren tried to state boldly. “Snap out of it, man. I thought you were tougher than this.” This was fake, it was fake. It was an illusion and it would disappear soon. It had to! “You don’t want to- to do this.” 

Jonas cocked his head to the side, looking at Ren as though he were an anomaly. His teeth flashed as he gave a devil-may-care grin.

“How would you even know what he would want? Jonas isn’t here.” The voices of multiple people drowning out Jonas’s own voice was haunting and Ren was pretty sure he was never going to forget the sound of his friends losing themselves amongst the flood of spirits. “All he wanted was you,” the voices said, “every single time.” 

Ren didn’t know what they were talking about. He was actually too scared to process anything they might be saying. They could be telling him how to get off the island right now and he still probably wouldn’t be able to understand what they were saying. 

They had backed Ren into a corner and Ren was staring them down best that he could. He was looking Death in the eyes and it looked like Jonas. 

“Nothing ever changes. Nothing will ever change. We have long watched all of you struggle and fail, and we will enjoy watching it once more.” Red eyes stared him down unblinkingly. Ren just wanted to disappear and pretend this was all just one horrible trip from mismeasuring the brownie recipe. Unlike the “Jonas” in front of him, Ren had to blink, even if it meant he might end up dead. But when he opened his eyes there was no one in front of him, and he was alone with his own panicked breaths. He didn’t know what it all meant but maybe Jonas had something to do with all of this.

**Author's Note:**

> Jonas is the deuteragonist and deserves to remember more. He also thinks about Ren a lot in the beginning of the game.


End file.
